Sloth...not the thing that crawls up trees

Yes, yes, I am incredibly lazy about updating this, and making new posts. But today, in an attempt to further myself from continuing my practice of the deadly sin, I post. I was intending to have a rather raucous laugh at the experience of trying on wedding dresses, but alas, not so much comedy to be had.
One shop-owner did give me some amusement by extolling the virtues of having "crystals" (is there a tackier word? Really? I think "crystals" should be Barbie territory, exclusively) strewn throughout the veil she placed on my head. All I could think about was the root of the verb "to strew"...the German "streuen," and how we had multiple conversations about strewing cheese during our cooking and foods unit in my German class in Salzburg. So there I stand, foofy-headed, thinking of how to conjugate a German verb. To my mother's protestation, I did not like the crystal-gestreut veil, but I had shown so little objection in the store that she believed I liked the thing. Odd.
Still more odd is that I am getting my dress from that very same shop. Yes, indeed, a decision has been made.

But let's discuss something more pressing, more fun, shall we? The naming of bridal gowns and accessories. My guess as to the origins of this phenomenon is this: Because a wedding is very personal, and fraught with tedious emotional states, it seems designers want to make everything, every last goddamned detail, pretty. There is a difference, after all, between saying, "Yes, I've decided! I'd like to order the Fiona gown in diamond white. Ooooh yay!" and "I'd like to order dress 9E8561HZ." Thus we end up with "Ariel" (what do we think of that, Sylvia Plath fans?), "Tamsen", and "Vincenza" (for those of you who have caught the suburban-mom-Tuscany-fever). I think, however, designers should use caution, or simply not do it at all. You're potentially driving brides away from dresses that might share a name with the groom's ex-girlfriend. Sure, he'd never know, but boy howdy would it be seared into the bride's imagination.
In large part, the names of these dresses seem to have no direct bearing on what the dress looks like. You might expect "Philadelphia" to have a bell shape, perhaps with a significant slit. Alas, it came out as:

However, there are exceptions. Take "Sonoran Star." Now the implication of 'star' could be misconstrued, leaving the reader believing (without seeing the picture), that this is a glamorous dress. But, much like the way that the first ingredient listed on a package of food is the most abundant, the first word, "Sonoran" has the most influence on this poor get up. Regard...

See, she's in the Sonoran desert! And people go crazy down there...just go to Sedona, New Age Capital Of The Tri-Galaxy Area. And certainly the only women who have worn this were not long after returned to their sanitariums.

There are times when the dress and the name match perfectly. I will show you the picture, and you just guess (I'll tell you anyway, too)...


Figure it out?






Yes. It is, "Tatoo."
It most certainly is. Like a permanent stain on your guests', and probably, your mother's memories.
Can you imagine the differences in the reactions from people on the right side of the aisle versus those on the left?
Left: "Oh, that's pretty, a choker necklace. It certainly accentuates the wonderful length of her neck."
Right: "What the fuck is on her neck? Is that a rash?"

Well, I'm spent. Bis später.