POTUS SOTU

I watched half of the State of the Union address on Tuesday. I know, I know, but sometimes curiosity just gets the best of me. And sometimes so do strokes. The latter is the clear explanation for my behavior here. I happened to be working on my computer while watching, and I felt the compulsion to write down some of my gut reactions to Captain Stupid Pants' blatherings. I like calling him POTUS because it sounds like "doofus" or "cletus."

POTUS: “4.6 million new jobs… more than Europe and Japan combined.”
Me: Well, we’ve got more McDonalds, so it figures.

POTUS: “Peed the feoples fear”
Me: Awww, dyslexia’s not funny. Unless it’s the president’s dyslexia.

POTUS: “Make the tax cuts permanent.” Rich people stand, applaud (themselves).
Me: Yay democracy!

POTUS: "We’ve reduced non-military spending."
Me: Well thank God we don't have to pay for those damned after school programs and that ed-ja-ma-kay-shun stuff!

Observation: The Republicans keep standing and sitting like it’s mass.

Observation: President Clinton mentioned in a joke. Pan to Hilary. Not amused.

Observation: Democrats stand only to applaud while Bush is whining that they smacked down his Social Security reform.

POTUS: “Put aside partisan politics.”
Me: Put up or shut up, bitch.

POTUS: “Create a bipartisan committee to examine SS/babyboomers.”
Me: If by bipartisan you mean, “with enough Republicans to make it go my way.”

Observation: God he looks stupid.

Observation: Chertoff looking cadaverous. Is he related to Marc Anthony?

POTUS: “Affordable health care.”
Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

POTUS: “Provide health care for poor and elderly and we’re doing that.”
Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

POTUS: “Health savings accounts”
Me: Hope you enjoy ramen, kids!

Observation: Please God, don’t ever let him say OBGYN again. I don’t want any sort of association between him and vaginas. Except that he’s an asshole, and vaginas and assholes are close together.

POTUS: “AMERICA IS ADDICTED TO OIL.”
Me: Well done, George, the first step to healing is admitting YOU have a problem.

Observation: Seriously? You can make gas from wood chips and grass? Why use anything else? That shit grows like…grass.

POTUS: “Make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past”
Me: Once we have attacked, subdued and tapped out Iran. But that should take no time at all.

POTUS: “A firm grounding in math and science for the kids.”
Me: Why is it not surprising that this particular president isn’t pushing the “reading” angle?

Observation: More math and science…what the fuck? Is it the cold war again?

POTUS: “Math and science are the way to high paying jobs.”
Me: Let’s make those damned reading and riting people irrelevant! Let them eat cake!

POTUS:“Our greatness is not measured by power or luxuries, but by how we treat one another.”
Me: Is that like how you fuck over the poor so that rich people can bathe in a mixture of Cristall and bald eagle urine and then dry themselves with live chincillas? And how does this work with the whole unjustified invasion and occupation of other countries?

Observation: If you’re going to talk about the new justices, at least give me a shot of John Robert’s mesmerizing blue eyes so that I don’t start crying.

POTUS: “Creating human-animal hybrids?”
Me: The hell?

Observation: God…er, excuse me, CREATOR talk. Um, separation of church and state, Georgie. It’s right there in the constitution. You should check it out sometime. Or rather, have it read to you. Or have someone make interpretive drawings for you. Whatever.

POTUS: “More compassion and care for one another...”
Me: Like gay people? Oh, wait, they don’t need civil rights! Silly me! That’s what I get for watching the gay cowboy movie.

Observation: Oooh…Dennis Hastert. Homey needs some new glasses.

Observation: Who the bitch in purple with the brassy hair? You need to check it, sister.

POTUS: “All Americans equal...”
Me: Huh? Ohhhh, I get it. He’s speaking in future tense. Cause it’s not going to happen anytime soon.

Observation: He’s talking about AIDS in African Americans. Suck on that, Kanye! He DOES care! He mentioned it in one sentence!

Observation: Them’s some pointy ass ears.

POTUS: “The United States could have been complacent in the persecution of others..."
Me: Could have been or “is” Or, wait, is it "complicit" that I'm thinking of here?