pa-thump. pa-thump.

Happy Valentine's Day. Whatever you think of it as a holiday, go ahead and take advantage of it as an excuse for unbridled indulgence in chocolate.

POTUS SOTU

I watched half of the State of the Union address on Tuesday. I know, I know, but sometimes curiosity just gets the best of me. And sometimes so do strokes. The latter is the clear explanation for my behavior here. I happened to be working on my computer while watching, and I felt the compulsion to write down some of my gut reactions to Captain Stupid Pants' blatherings. I like calling him POTUS because it sounds like "doofus" or "cletus."

POTUS: “4.6 million new jobs… more than Europe and Japan combined.”
Me: Well, we’ve got more McDonalds, so it figures.

POTUS: “Peed the feoples fear”
Me: Awww, dyslexia’s not funny. Unless it’s the president’s dyslexia.

POTUS: “Make the tax cuts permanent.” Rich people stand, applaud (themselves).
Me: Yay democracy!

POTUS: "We’ve reduced non-military spending."
Me: Well thank God we don't have to pay for those damned after school programs and that ed-ja-ma-kay-shun stuff!

Observation: The Republicans keep standing and sitting like it’s mass.

Observation: President Clinton mentioned in a joke. Pan to Hilary. Not amused.

Observation: Democrats stand only to applaud while Bush is whining that they smacked down his Social Security reform.

POTUS: “Put aside partisan politics.”
Me: Put up or shut up, bitch.

POTUS: “Create a bipartisan committee to examine SS/babyboomers.”
Me: If by bipartisan you mean, “with enough Republicans to make it go my way.”

Observation: God he looks stupid.

Observation: Chertoff looking cadaverous. Is he related to Marc Anthony?

POTUS: “Affordable health care.”
Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

POTUS: “Provide health care for poor and elderly and we’re doing that.”
Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

POTUS: “Health savings accounts”
Me: Hope you enjoy ramen, kids!

Observation: Please God, don’t ever let him say OBGYN again. I don’t want any sort of association between him and vaginas. Except that he’s an asshole, and vaginas and assholes are close together.

POTUS: “AMERICA IS ADDICTED TO OIL.”
Me: Well done, George, the first step to healing is admitting YOU have a problem.

Observation: Seriously? You can make gas from wood chips and grass? Why use anything else? That shit grows like…grass.

POTUS: “Make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past”
Me: Once we have attacked, subdued and tapped out Iran. But that should take no time at all.

POTUS: “A firm grounding in math and science for the kids.”
Me: Why is it not surprising that this particular president isn’t pushing the “reading” angle?

Observation: More math and science…what the fuck? Is it the cold war again?

POTUS: “Math and science are the way to high paying jobs.”
Me: Let’s make those damned reading and riting people irrelevant! Let them eat cake!

POTUS:“Our greatness is not measured by power or luxuries, but by how we treat one another.”
Me: Is that like how you fuck over the poor so that rich people can bathe in a mixture of Cristall and bald eagle urine and then dry themselves with live chincillas? And how does this work with the whole unjustified invasion and occupation of other countries?

Observation: If you’re going to talk about the new justices, at least give me a shot of John Robert’s mesmerizing blue eyes so that I don’t start crying.

POTUS: “Creating human-animal hybrids?”
Me: The hell?

Observation: God…er, excuse me, CREATOR talk. Um, separation of church and state, Georgie. It’s right there in the constitution. You should check it out sometime. Or rather, have it read to you. Or have someone make interpretive drawings for you. Whatever.

POTUS: “More compassion and care for one another...”
Me: Like gay people? Oh, wait, they don’t need civil rights! Silly me! That’s what I get for watching the gay cowboy movie.

Observation: Oooh…Dennis Hastert. Homey needs some new glasses.

Observation: Who the bitch in purple with the brassy hair? You need to check it, sister.

POTUS: “All Americans equal...”
Me: Huh? Ohhhh, I get it. He’s speaking in future tense. Cause it’s not going to happen anytime soon.

Observation: He’s talking about AIDS in African Americans. Suck on that, Kanye! He DOES care! He mentioned it in one sentence!

Observation: Them’s some pointy ass ears.

POTUS: “The United States could have been complacent in the persecution of others..."
Me: Could have been or “is” Or, wait, is it "complicit" that I'm thinking of here?

Britdine

Exhibit One:




Exhibit Two:



Exhibit Three:



Mind who you marry, ladies.

Addendum: Scared yet?

Residual effects from that time in the HJ, perhaps?






Kinda makes you take the Lord's name in vain, doesn't it?

A little help for my countrymen

Regard:

As you and I know, my fellow Americans, this is an escalator (or a picture of one, rather). Aren't they helpful? They help us to ascend and descend with ease and comparative swiftness. Such nice things, except for when they eat childrens' shoelaces; and really, whose fault is that? Was it the escalator who didn't teach you to "make the bunny ears," "loop, swoop, etc."? Probably not...but I digress. See, as much time as Americans spend on escalators, one would expect that they would know how to use them. But, during my Christmas shopping trips, I was confounded once again by the complete lack of any such understanding. It wasn't that people were falling while getting off or tripping while getting on, or even getting their shoelaces caught. It was the fact that people, generally groups of people, will get on and stand there, sedentary, on both the right and the left. Here's my point:

STAND ON THE RIGHT.
MOVE ON THE LEFT.

That. is how. it works. It's like driving on a multi-lane highway; drive in the right lane, pass on the le...oh, wait, yeah, a lot of people aren't getting that, either. Anyway, unless you want me to start carrying a shiv and using it on you as you stand there blocking my way, learn how this works. It's easy, really. Just repeat yourself, "Stand on the right, move on the left." You could even shorten it, "Stand right, move left."

Just get out of my way, for the love of all that's holy, you idiots.

Habemus Papam

Yes, indeed we do have one. It's just that after watching the mini-series about PJPII last night, I miss him. In this particular discussion/remembrance, I choose to forget that he was, appropriately, very old-school Catholic and might have thought I was going to hell for taking BC, and I am concentrating on the fact that he was the cutest Pope EVER. When they get Thomas Kretschmann (see Fig. 1) to play him, that says something (I'm going to go ahead and ignore the mini series, also about PJPII, that stars John Voight, see Fig. 2, and airs in but a few days).

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

John (Señor Unsavory) Voight.

And today, as I was perusing Manolo's Shoeblog, er, WORKING, I was again moved to thinking wistfully about our Polish Johannes Paulus. This is—partially—why:




This is also why:


Compare and contrast, kids. I don't know where I saw it, but somewhere in my surfing, I saw a picture of PB16, and it was captioned, "BOOGADA BOOGADA!" Apt, no?

Scooter, Puppies, Kitties and Fug

Ah, what a day. That's right, we've got a reason to celebrate today. No not just because it's Friday. It's Scooter Libby Indictment Day! Whee! In the hubbub on MPR this morning, when they were whipping themselves into a frenzy of "will they-won't they," quite needlessly, I might add, there was a mention of how this whole shebang would tarnish The Shrub's presidency. Somehow, bafflingly, there was a line drawn between this and Clinton's impeachment. As I stood in the shower listening to this, I thought to myself, "Wow. A blowjob just got compared to a war on false premises." Erstaunend, oder? Yes ma'am, that Clinton sure brought shame on the White House.

Ooh...ow. My tongue just bored a hole in my cheek.

Another thing that I did today, in my never-ending quest for time-suckage, was check to see if there is a "puppywar.com." Indeed there is. I was a little disappointed when I looked in the winningest puppies section, a.k.a. "Top Dogs," to find that the majority of winners were labs. Now, I know labs are good dogs. I have had labs, and they were dear, dear creatures. But they are boring. Aesthetically, really boring. But mostly, they are boring because the ratio of labs to humans in the United States is roughly 7,906:1. Honestly. If you go to a Humane Society shelter, the only dogs there are labs, and maybe a husky that can't for the life of it stop barking. We're going to be an SAT question:

127. Labs:United States as Sheep:
a) Canada
b) Washington D.C.
c) Jesus
d) New Zealand

And I think we know the answer there. So if you go on puppywar.com, don't vote for labs. Just don't do it. Let's help the world by applauding different breeds of dogs. And when you see Ascher, vote for him. Which brings me to kittenwar.com. I looked up Vera's picture, and she's not winning as much as she should be. Vote for Vera (aka Beaver). I also uploaded another picture of her simply under the name Beaver. Vote for that too. Oh, and I've thought of something else about kittenwar. If you can't decide, you need to consider with the name. If it's Neo vs. Xavier The Punisher, please don't validate the person who named his cat after The Matrix. Not only The Matrix, but Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. You cannot side with them, no matter if their kitten is barf-inducing cute, and even if the opposing cat is one of those hideous fricking hairless alien things. But if it's a hairless alien thing named Faerie or Legolas or Pixel, by all means, send them a message that they are dumb and they are cruelly putting their dumb all over a defenseless creature. Report them to the SPCA or something.

And if you haven't been to www.gofugyourself.com, go there right now. I love them so much it hurts.

Sloth...not the thing that crawls up trees

Yes, yes, I am incredibly lazy about updating this, and making new posts. But today, in an attempt to further myself from continuing my practice of the deadly sin, I post. I was intending to have a rather raucous laugh at the experience of trying on wedding dresses, but alas, not so much comedy to be had.
One shop-owner did give me some amusement by extolling the virtues of having "crystals" (is there a tackier word? Really? I think "crystals" should be Barbie territory, exclusively) strewn throughout the veil she placed on my head. All I could think about was the root of the verb "to strew"...the German "streuen," and how we had multiple conversations about strewing cheese during our cooking and foods unit in my German class in Salzburg. So there I stand, foofy-headed, thinking of how to conjugate a German verb. To my mother's protestation, I did not like the crystal-gestreut veil, but I had shown so little objection in the store that she believed I liked the thing. Odd.
Still more odd is that I am getting my dress from that very same shop. Yes, indeed, a decision has been made.

But let's discuss something more pressing, more fun, shall we? The naming of bridal gowns and accessories. My guess as to the origins of this phenomenon is this: Because a wedding is very personal, and fraught with tedious emotional states, it seems designers want to make everything, every last goddamned detail, pretty. There is a difference, after all, between saying, "Yes, I've decided! I'd like to order the Fiona gown in diamond white. Ooooh yay!" and "I'd like to order dress 9E8561HZ." Thus we end up with "Ariel" (what do we think of that, Sylvia Plath fans?), "Tamsen", and "Vincenza" (for those of you who have caught the suburban-mom-Tuscany-fever). I think, however, designers should use caution, or simply not do it at all. You're potentially driving brides away from dresses that might share a name with the groom's ex-girlfriend. Sure, he'd never know, but boy howdy would it be seared into the bride's imagination.
In large part, the names of these dresses seem to have no direct bearing on what the dress looks like. You might expect "Philadelphia" to have a bell shape, perhaps with a significant slit. Alas, it came out as:

However, there are exceptions. Take "Sonoran Star." Now the implication of 'star' could be misconstrued, leaving the reader believing (without seeing the picture), that this is a glamorous dress. But, much like the way that the first ingredient listed on a package of food is the most abundant, the first word, "Sonoran" has the most influence on this poor get up. Regard...

See, she's in the Sonoran desert! And people go crazy down there...just go to Sedona, New Age Capital Of The Tri-Galaxy Area. And certainly the only women who have worn this were not long after returned to their sanitariums.

There are times when the dress and the name match perfectly. I will show you the picture, and you just guess (I'll tell you anyway, too)...


Figure it out?






Yes. It is, "Tatoo."
It most certainly is. Like a permanent stain on your guests', and probably, your mother's memories.
Can you imagine the differences in the reactions from people on the right side of the aisle versus those on the left?
Left: "Oh, that's pretty, a choker necklace. It certainly accentuates the wonderful length of her neck."
Right: "What the fuck is on her neck? Is that a rash?"

Well, I'm spent. Bis später.